Ethan has been very active ever since I drank that Juicy Juice this morning. I was out of bed for good around ten till five. Had a bunch of contractions again last night. I drank the juice around 6 and he's still going strong at 8:35 this morning. I've amazed myself in this pregnancy. I'm about seven weeks from my due date and look about 5-6 months pregnant. I never looked that small with my other two. A part of me is happy about that and another part of me wishes to be bigger so that my maternity shirts didn't look so rediculous.

Since I'm hurting so bad, mom is lending Rob the car and he's coming down in case he has to take me to the hospital. I think everything will be ok. It just feels like the boy is trying to do some construction in there. I keep thinking that if I don't expand, then he's gonna bust out one night just like a scene from Alien. This kid isn't all that small, either. Just me.

Yesterday Rob called from J's work to see what was up and to chat. I ended up spilling half of what had been on my mind (because he asked and I think ended up partially regretting it). He had to leave me a sobbing mess since the phone had started to die. I cried a lot between 1:30 and until the time I finally crashed (11:30? Midnight?) It wasn't the WHOLE time. I was watching tv on the couch and out of the blue tears would stream down my face. He was supposed to call back but as I found out this morning he and J ended up getting into it last night. He mentioned whether he and I actually went to the hospital, we were telling J that I did go and everything was just fine. He didn't want her thinking that him coming to see me was an excuse.

Part of me feels very isolated and bitter. I'm angry that I'm here and he's there. When J was pregnant, I never asked him not to be there for her. During the night, when her back hurt, he was there to rub it, he was there to assure her that the baby was fine when she had a bad dream, he was there to lay next to her until she drifted off. I've never had that courtesy. When our power got shut off back in May, J went to stay with a friend and Rob and I stayed at the house (it was just like camping). We slept next to each other that night. I was maybe 2 months. And he stayed a few times at mom's to help me out when my blood pressure wouldn't stay stable in my first trimester when I'd have my kids. Other than that, no. Last night I kept thinking the only thing that would make me feel better was some sort of normalcy with this pregnancy. Do you know I haven't set foot in a Wal-mart in probably two months due to my high risk status? Last night the only thing that stopped the tears (and the freaking out about the baby still having NO WINTER CLOTHING and NO DIAPERS) was thinking, "Hm, maybe Rob and I could go to Wal-mart and buy his homecoming outfit and some bottles and wipes". Something to make me feel better. Normal. Not alone in this. Whatever.

And I admit, he's been so wonderful. He hasn't missed any appointments and not a whole lot of hospital visits. He stayed with me for four days when I had my cerclage back in August and he was there when it was removed at 27 weeks and we thought the worst was happening...Ethan was coming. He held my hand and got me through some really scarry shit with the baby. He's been there, but night sucks because he's never here.

Man, I forgot how hot pregnancy actually makes you. I mean, I remember quite well standing outside on Christmas day without a coat when I was pregnant with my first thinking, "Ahhh...now this feels good" while my ex yelled at me for being in the snow in nothing but a t-shirt (and pants. His sister's house was very close to a main road). I don't think pacing does anything to cool me off. I paced for a good hour and a half already.

I called Rob when I got off here. I woke him up. I have to admit that I was a little upset when I found out he crashed at 11:30 last night and J had went to bed considerably earlier and I received no phone call. I don't even know why I expect them. It's not like he's obligated. I'm not his girlfriend or anything, right? And chances are I would have just kept my damn mouth shut like I did this morning. I mean, we BS-ed it, it's generally what we do best. We talked about dream interpretation, his car, the fact that his back hurt, the fact that I was contracting, and some pictures I agreed to take for a family member. He's supposed to call me back with a time for that. He reminded me he would after I mentioned he didn't call back yesterday when he said he would.

I came *thisclose* to giving him the blog address, but of course, didn't because I'm a big chicken. I'm also worried a bit that he may be upset that I'm writing such personal details for the world (again, HA!) to read. It's just, the journal isn't cutting it anymore and to know that maybe, just maybe, one person has read this, it makes me feel like someone is listening to my insane rantings. It helps.

But I'm a moron (by design, remember?). I want to tell him things he's already heard hoping for a different result, the desired result. You can't tell, but I'm a very analytical, practical person and really I can not see any practical reason for him to come back to me. Here, I'll list it for you.

J:

1)Employed
2)Lives with Rob
3)More free to have fun
4)Very Pretty
5)She was with him first
6)He always goes back to her
7)Great sex
8)Speaks her mind 9)Will fight for what she wants
10)Persistent
11)Good mom
12)More freedom than me
13)Leave with him in a heartbeat

Crystal:

1)Pregnant and unemployed
2)Lives with mother for the moment
3)Lumbering around 8 months pregnant
4)Um, I really don't have any issues
5)I was the other woman first
6)Enough said
7)Never heard a complaint
8)Forever silent
9)Mostly hides behind this damned blog
10)Persistent to a point
11)I'm not downing my mother skills
12)Two kids from another man whom I have half the week
13)Again, I have my son and daughter

Oh, I'm nuts. Do I really want to give him the address to this page? He might realize high-tailing it in J's direction may have been the smartest, sanest thing he's done this year. But I still can't help to think no matter how smart or sane it looks, no matter how the list adds up, his decision was wrong. And that list is composed of mostly superficial things. I'll go back to work, I can learn to open up, and I won't be lumbering forever!

I've thought about calling Rob, giving him the link and letting him know how neurotic I actually am about all of this. It seems every time I get in near proximity of his voice, I shut down. I don't know if I want to know. Ignorance is bliss. Yeah, that's why I am so damn blissfully happy. Besides, I didn't talk to Rob last night. J called.

She mentioned our meeting twice (between Rob and me) on Tuesday and asked if he had answered "all of my questions". It all goes back to me shutting down. Nope, I didn't say a damn thing. No lines of communication were open. I think he and I are a lot a like. We use humor as a defense mechanism and neither one of us like to have serious conversations. I will keep it bottled up inside until I explode...or decide a blog for the whole world (who am I kidding, no one is reading this!!) to see is a great idea. She also called to let me know Ronald McDonald came to her work. We both agree. Clowns are kinda creepy.

Last night, I slept even less than what I normally do. I was wide awake at 1:30 that morning, seized by a semi-painful contraction. I woke up a lot like that. Nothing regular, just ones that pulled me out of my sleep. Which gave me a lot of time to think. I first off worried that it may be getting close to baby time, which it better not for another month. And then, of course, I thought about my upcoming doctor's appointment. I'm dreading it. J mentioned that Rob had reminded her to take Tuesday off in order to go with us. So now, I'm dreading my doctor's appointment. Ugh.

It all goes back to about three weeks ago. I had an appointment a week before Halloween. J, Rob, and I left from their apartment and went to Knoxville. There was some tension since a few days prior J had found a note I had written Rob that week spilling that I still loved him and slept well when he held me. She came in the ultrasound room with us, the norm when she comes. This is where it gets bad. The tech, who has seen J with us several times and has also seen Rob and I alone, holding hands and all that mushy fun, asked if J was Rob's sister. Insert three nervous shared glances. Rob clears his throat, "No, this is my daughter's mother." J got all pissed and hit him. He then said, "It's complicated." In which the tech dropped it. I don't think she wanted to go there. Rob mentioned he owed J a sock in the arm and she said, "No, you deserved that." The tech left the three of us alone, me still laying down covered in goop and J exploded about him not telling my tech and my baby doctor that she was his girlfriend. He told her to have some fucking tact (I agreed. It's not like Rob and I went at it in the hospital after J had their baby and I went to two doctor's appointments and stayed in the waiting room both times. Boundaries.) After the doc took a look at the baby, I was cleared to go and we left the hospital, J stewing the whole time.

We were about 5 minuets out of the hospital when she started. She mentioned the note and demanded to know exactly what happened between us to prompt the note (to which I wanted to reply, "Whatever the two of you did to prompt all your notes when he and I dated. At least I'm not yelling in his face right in front of you to dump your ass and come back to the right choice." I also wanted to fling myself onto John Sevier Highway, but I knew that would hurt the baby. So I stayed in the car and painfully listened to the 30 minuet fight about me). They both spoke about me like I wasn't even there, something I can't stand so much that I almost asked Rob to let me off at the Pilot station so they could have some more privacy.

The fight spilled to my mother's house, which was thankfully empty. For another hour and a half, they fought and yelled and Rob walked off a few times (I get accused of not wanting to stop him so he'd dump her. I actually let him walk off because I didn't want him to hit her and I'm also not his mama, but I was pissed at J's comment and walked up my steep ass hill until I had a contraction. I came back. She used that knowledge to get Rob back in the car). Finally, after several harsh words I made the decision to not see him until after I had the baby. It broke my heart in two to watch him leave. I knew there was no way in hell I could do it. I love him too much to just let him go and wonder when I'm going to go into labor so I can see his face. I couldn't let all this tension build between us, all this pain of not seeing each other, and then introduce him to our son. No way. I can't get through this pregnancy without my best friend. And it's unfair to ask me to.

I've realized just how bad all this is. Since they've gotten back together, I absolutely can not wait to have this baby so I can get a sitter and drink myself stupid. Not to celebrate; just to forget. I want to forget that I used to be happy with him because I don't think it'll ever happen again. And that scares me to tears. How am I supposed to raise my beautiful boy (my luck he'll look like Rob too) when I am so hurt that his father is not laying next to me? I worry all this is going to make me a really bad mom to Ethan.

This morning's conversation was completely anti-climatic. I didn't call until about 10:15 this morning, not wanting to look too desperate (like he could have known I had been contemplating calling him at the crack of dawn this morning) and also not wanting to wake him up. I had to call about three times before he picked up the phone. He hadn't been sleeping, in fact, he wasn't even at his apartment. He had gone to get his car, which sat dead at the hospital after one of our several trips out there back in September. He was with J's ex-uncle-in-law, who they had ran into a few days ago and he agreed to help haul the car from Knoxville to Sevierville. They also had a talk about attending his church and my immediate thought was (when the &$#! did you become interested in Mormonism? But I digress...) Seeing (or hearing) that he wasn't at home and was in the presence of other people (to which he told ex-uncle-in-law he was on the phone with his son's mother. Ahhh, gotta love that title), I completely lost my nerve (or bit I had) to confront him about yesterday and what that meant and blah blah blah. Instead, we talked about the car and his doctor's appt. Rob was placed on Vistaril for anxiety attacks, but it's also given to pregnant women outside of the first trimester to make them sleep. He said he passed out last night and got up at 7am (to that I thought "damn it, you were up. I could have called!") and still felt sleepy. Nice to know someone is getting interrupted sleep in this triangle. Anyway, we BS-ed it for a few more minuets and then hung up since he was going through a dead zone. I cursed at that point and I don't know if that was more at me or at him. I dragged my butt back online, played games, and plotted out my next phone call to him although I don't think it'll change a thing. For a moment, I was in fear that J had called into work (something she does) and was going to pick up the phone. I had debated spilling everything (detailed, like she used to do to me. Yucky, dirty details until I'd cry...), but then I probably won't because 1) She likes to talk a lot. A lot, a lot, especially when she's pissed. 2) I don't think I could be that mean. Cheating is one thing, ruining her day with the second-by-second encounter Rob and I had seemed like a bit much because 3) I'm also I tad bit of a chicken and 4) It probably wouldn't bump me from friend status. She's threatened to leave him several times if he screws around again and while I'm about 98% certain she will, 2% makes me leary. And she has nowhere else to crash except with Rob (who is staying with his band mate until we find another place)

Another reason why I think she puts up with me! She used to call and talk to me daily until her and Rob got back together. Now, I've spoken to her twice (?) in two 1/2 weeks. I had mentioned not seeing him until I delivered and she was practically falling over herself while I (and Rob, who was outside during this moment) bawled my eyes out. She tried to literally arrange it to where she or my mother could take me to every appt. and I wouldn't have to see Rob. And she asked if I wanted him at the hospital if I had an emergency but wasn't sure if I was in labor. You know, I could always call him and hope he'd get a way out if it was in fact baby time. But, anyway, back to why I think she's putting up with me.... Rob mentioned the three of us looking at houses this weekend (probably won't happen. He has band practice and I'll have my son and daughter) and J said, "I thought she didn't want to move back in with us." To this Rob said, "Never mentioned it to me." And that's true because I never mentioned it to anyone because I never said it to anyone. Ever. I'd like our son with his mom AND dad, thank you. And I hate living without Rob, even if I have to be the other woman and pretend that I don't care that I see scratches on his back left by his girlfriend (imagine! That's supposed to be dripping with sarcasm)after we've finished and are smoking a cigarette.

Right before the end of the phone call, he said last night was a bad night for him and he wished J and I both could have been there. Sure, J calmed him down, but he needed me too. I was irritated at myself for being such a damn chicken and I wanted to say, "Jackass, you have a phone. So do I."

Anywho...we're supposed to talk later...you know, unless he passes out from the Vistaril before his free nights kick in.

I'm gonna call him. So help me God, I've been saying that since I woke up at 4am (there's something magical about that time. Every morning I get seized by two things at 4am:

1) A giant contraction because I haven't peed in 3 hours and

2) The general feeling of ickiness from "sleeping single in a double bed" - if I ever wake up with that song playing in my head while I'm wishing the other side of my sheets weren't cold. Shoot me.

But, I finally got up at 7:45 this morning, smoked and decided to dick around on the net before gathering some courage to call the only person I ever want to actually talk to (sure, I talk to other people...unlucky them).